Sunday, September 22, 2013

Life, Currently

I can't even describe how ashamed I am to even be posting on my blog right now.
It's been so long.
TOO long.

I've been procrastinating (didn't we talk about this in the past?) with posting my travel blog that I mentioned eons ago, and it's for this reason I haven't even touched my blog.

< here's a little teaser of the travel blog to come! >

It's been that nagging little voice in the back of my head, though. Don't worry, sweet, new little blog-I haven't forgotten about you yet!

So I thought I'd quickly discuss current life while I have time to gather my thoughts?
I'm four weeks (FOUR weeks?!) into my junior year of college, and I have to say that so far, it's my favorite year yet!

This year we have six foreign exchange students from Paris studying abroad and taking classes in the school of architecture, and I must say I adore them. I have been hoping and planning to study abroad in Paris during my graduate year of school, and would be studying at their university, which would be so exciting! They have been teaching me how to correctly enunciate my French 'R's' (which is impossible, by the way) and speak French phrases, like 'where are the shoes?', so that when I go shopping in Paris I can find my way around just fine ;) (ou sont les chaussures?).

School has been keeping me busy enough, but not as busy as I was expecting. No complaints here, although this has left me with more free time than a girl with a wandering mind needs.

I must point out that I truly believe I am blessed with the spiritual gift of faith. It has never been an option for me to think of this world without a loving God who created me and gave me new life, and I find it so much more natural to simply believe than consider another option.

But I have definitely struggled with life decisions in general when coming back to school. I have found myself not working out, gorging myself on food and sweets, not budgeting my money or time wisely, not making time for God, and overall just being a lazy person.

I was really hating myself for about two solid weeks, for letting my eating and exercise habits get out of hand, for slacking off on my studies and daily chores, and overall not being the person I want to be. I was brewing in bitterness about the life I was living, and how I wish I could have been different.

And then last night, as I was wallowing in my self-pity, I finally realized I needed some serious time with God, and He opened my eyes to the one thing I was choosing not to see: that I deserve better than this. I am a child of God who deserves more out of her being than sitting on the couch watching Netflix for 4 hours straight.

I never once thought I could be anything important in this world. I had a dream and plans for my future, but I didn't actually believe I deserved them. I have made too many mistakes that they couldn't possibly be cancelled out by any supernatural force. 

And this, my dear friends, is losing the true faith of believing in someone, instead of having (and losing) unsure faith in a circumstance.

Thankfully God restored my heart that night and moved in such a way that I saw clearly how I deserve so much more than the person I previously thought I deserved.

God did not create me to use up and waste the precious gift that is life. He created me to first worship Him, but to also love others, through loving Him and loving myself.

I am a strong believer in the fact that you can not love anything if you can not love yourself, and when I say love yourself, I don't just mean how you look or how you act. Of course, you must be comfortable in your own skin, and love those parts of yourself too, but I what I really mean is to love the decisions you make on a daily basis. I can promise that on the days I love the decisions I make, I can love on everyone else around me so much easier.

God also showed me that I must choose to believe in His power and to believe in myself. And now, it's time to get moving and put this belief to action!

I found this great little quote on Pinterest, (can I get a whoop whoop for Pinterest? Who doesn't love this site?!) and it's the most profound set of words I've ever read.

We can not become what we want to be by remaining what we are.

I can not become the 
that I want to be by sitting on my bum and expecting something prolific to happen in my life without even trying.

As I sat there in my bed with these thoughts, an amazing sense of peace filled me up and I was unable to think anything but these words: 
You are lovely, and you are loved.
You know this much, but now you must love yourself.

I wasn't loving who I was, but my future deserves my love, and my time and my energy.

I will now be expecting better habits of myself. I'm making a conscious effort to love who I know I will become, because I deserve so much more from myself than what I'm giving in the present.

And I thank God for that realization.

Have a blessed and happy week, and don't forget to take some time out of your hectic day to love on your Lord and yourself.

Going through the motions doesn't please you,
a flawless performance is nothing to you.
I learned God-worship when my pride was shattered.
Heart-shattered lives ready for love don't for a moment escape God's notice.
Psalms 51: 16-17, MSG
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